High Pitched Giggling

Nothing is squeal-worthy.  When you're across the room and I can feel the vibrations dancing on my ear drum from your witch cackle, we have a problem here.

Look, everyone enjoys a good laugh. I'm a belly laugher myself. But an owl screech is borderline obnoxious and it takes quite a bit of my own resolve to keep me from screaming right back at you.

Not only does the shrillness of your voice hit my face like a fucking brick, but it says something particular about what you're trying to achieve. Did you really find that hilarious? Or is it rather that no one is looking at you, and loud noises are your only means of drawing attention to yourself?

I'm not trying to be a Grumpy Gus over here in my cone of silence, and I certainly don't hold a Holier-Than-Though attitude. I'm just a little scared of being deaf before I turn thirty.

Tips from a cashier at Farm Boy:

1. Stop buying rotten fruit that's on sale.

It's disgusting. When you put leaky brown bananas on my conveyor belt I'm on the line between puking and screaming. I get it, you're saving fifty cents and you don't mind eating food that could posion you. But when that nasty excuse for food rolls up to the scanner we're all judging you.

2. Unpack your own basket.

You may think that because I get paid to do this job, that I don't mind. Believe me, generally I'm more than happy to go the extra mile for you. But when you leave your basket on my conveyor belt that just tells me that you're lazy and you think I'm beneath you. Cut it out.

3. Bagging

The little plastic baggies you see around the store are for your fruits and vegetables. Feel free to use as many as you want AS LONG AS YOU USE THEM. At least twice a shift I'll get a customer buying thirteen avocadoes without a baggy. It's weird, and I feel awkward touching your fruit.  

The baggies, however, ARE NOT, for anything with a barcode on them. Don't worry, I'm not angry. I just hope that you don't mind being here all night, because I have to unbag, scan, rebag, and double bag everything that you thought was baggie-worthy. Again, I'm more than happy to go the extra mile and use the little baggies I have up at the front AFTER I've scanned it. It goes a lot faster, and everyone can get out of here much sooner.

Finally, we come to an age old issue in the world of grocery. The ritual of the final bagging ceremony. What you must understand is that I get hundreds of customers a shift that all want their food packed a different way: "Meat in a separate bag, please!"; "Don't pack them too full."; "Just throw it all in one."; "Eggs in a separate bag!"; "Eggs on top!"; "No! The eggs are crushing the coffee grounds! Don't put them on top!"; "Why are you putting the meat in a separate bag?"; and finally, the scariest one: "I brought my own bags." Or even worse, a bin.  I love that you're being environmentally friendly. Plastic bags put a huge burden on our eco-system and are generally not bio-degradable. But the free Yves Rocher paper thin sack that came with a 99cent bar of soap will not support the seventy-three items you're buying today.